don’t dream it, be it

“Can’t you just see it? Don’t dream it, be it.”
David Bedella as Dr. Frank-N-Furter in Richard O’Brien’s The Rocky Horror Show

Since my (re)diagnosis of anxiety and depression, I’ve suffered from a lot of little (well, to me they’re little) niggling issues that have all built up into one massive issue that has prevented me from focussing on my writing.

Firstly, the diagnosis has knocked me for six. Not because deep down, I didn’t know I had anxiety and depression, but because it has brought all those thoughts that I believed I had compartmentalised into the very forefront of my mind. Barely an hour goes by without me thinking about it, about how much I need counselling and how the heck I am going to afford it. In addition to this, I have had a ten day migraine and attempted to work through it. (For reference, bad idea. I do not recommend it in the slightest.) However, work is still annoyed that I have had to take any days off sick – despite being fully aware of my health compromises and previously accepting of accommodating it – and is now pushing me to the very bone. I have been given several additional shifts  I haven’t been asked to do (and one I have because a co-worker has received a serious burn injury), and no choice but to attend. For a woman in her twenties, my health is frail and I physically cannot cope with being worked so hard. But what can I do but try and accommodate it? It might make me sick again, but what can I do?

So where has writing fitted into all of this? In truth, it hasn’t at all. It’s not an issue where it comes to creativity. I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately, all of which could easily be plot bunny fuel, both for fanfiction and original works. I have also had absolutely no problem thinking up turns of phrase and putting words together in a legible state which makes sense and tells a story. The problem has solely come from actually getting it out of my mind and recorded somewhere, whether that be in a notepad or on my computer (or another electronic device.) Due to the ill health, work and a couple of other things, I’ve felt continually tired and drained, hence my severely reduced output.

But, this post is meant to end on a more optimistic note. Well, at least optimistic to me, anyway. After all, this is what I feel like I was born to do. I have stories to tell. I just need to find my audience.

Recently, I revisited one of my absolute favourite musicals: The Rocky Horror Show. Whilst I like the film version well enough, I always believe that the stage show is what really brings it alive. And yet again, it did. I had a fabulous time, a well-deserved break from the drudgery of real life and a couple of hours of escapism with something I like. Rocky Horror is many things to many peoples. It’s subversive, a pastiche of 1920s to 1960s B-movies, a representation of alternative lifestyles, an exploration of sexual fluidity, sheer escapism and so on. Despite how frivolous it can be, this time, it really got me thinking.

Actually, two things got me thinking. My frustration with work, and how I’m stuck doing menial labour despite having a degree from a top ten UK university and how all my dreams still feel so far out of reach. And that is exactly where the lyrics from Rocky Horror come into play. Especially so after they were used in the programme to reference how an out-of-work Richard ‘O Brien created the beloved rock-and-roll musical which is now celebrating its fortieth year.

Don’t dream it, be it.

If I want to be a full-time author who is recognised for her storytelling capabilities, then I need to do something about it. I need to stop hiding back in my comfort zone of fanfiction and actually write my original novel. Because, without a first draft, I’m never going to have a first, second, third, and eventually, final draft of my book. It doesn’t matter what state the first draft is in because very, very few people are going to see it. And by that, I mean two people and one of them is myself. Besides, there’s some utter dirge out there, some great stories badly in need of a good edit and even some books considered to be classics can be very rough around the edges. I know my first draft can at least be as good as some of those, and maybe, just maybe, even better.

I just need to stop with the excuses, ignore my near-constant exhaustion and write my damn book.

It’s that easy.

Right?

Credit for photograph: Here.