NaNovember 2014: 1st November: Shattered Spoonies

Today, I have been mostly exhausted. Not because I was up all night writing as it’s the start of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, to the uninitiated) but because I slept really badly. Family problems and disability discrimination will do that to you.

You see, yesterday, I was discriminated against due to my invisible illnesses. Normally I do a good job at ignoring it, or am better at fighting for my corner. Last night, feeling a bit rough and with painful wrists, I just flaked under pressure and felt awful about it for most of the evening.

However, this morning, before I could even think about starting my novel for this year, I had to write some blog posts instead.

These, I put on my recently started tumblr account. I ended up with a lot to say on the matter, so it ended up being spread across three posts, which is crazy. Anyway, they can be found here:

Visible Disabilities and Discrimination
Invisible Disabilities and Discrimination
Disability and Magic: The Gathering

So yes, as you can see, it went on quite a bit. It was upsetting having my first FNM (Friday Night Magic) in a long while ruined by attitudes like that, but at least I tried to do something productive with my reactions to it.

However, I’ve also been hyper-aware that it is NaNoWriMo and it irritated me that I absolutely definitely had to write those important blog posts when I had a novel to be writing.

This is what I mean about being a spoonie: suffering from chronic illness means almost anything that others can take for granted can be incredible hard work for me, especially if I am having a bad day. Today is a bad day, much worse than usual. It means that to do anything more than flake requires sheer force of will and the desperate hope that I won’t end up paying for it tomorrow.

Still.

Writing my words today was tough. I mean, very tough. My wrists are absolute agony, my shoulders and back don’t feel all that much better. And, having had little more than 4 hours sleep, I am absolutely exhausted. But, I can’t not meet the recommended average on the first day. And then, when I got to the minimum, I was near the end of the first chapter, so I had to finish it. So I kind of did.

I am pleased I managed to ignore the pain as such, or at least, push through it in order to finish chapter one of this year’s NaNo novel. Hopefully, after a good night’s sleep, tomorrow’s writing won’t come quite so difficultly for me. I also need to continue editing my novel and would ideally like to alternate through the day with writing/editing so I get both done at a nice clip.

But really, I just hope that after such a spoon-depleted day for somebody with chronic illness that I have more time and energy for all this tomorrow.

Words Today: 2008
Total Words: 2008

On Robin Williams and Depression

TW: Suicide

don’t dream it, be it

“Can’t you just see it? Don’t dream it, be it.”
David Bedella as Dr. Frank-N-Furter in Richard O’Brien’s The Rocky Horror Show

Since my (re)diagnosis of anxiety and depression, I’ve suffered from a lot of little (well, to me they’re little) niggling issues that have all built up into one massive issue that has prevented me from focussing on my writing.

Firstly, the diagnosis has knocked me for six. Not because deep down, I didn’t know I had anxiety and depression, but because it has brought all those thoughts that I believed I had compartmentalised into the very forefront of my mind. Barely an hour goes by without me thinking about it, about how much I need counselling and how the heck I am going to afford it. In addition to this, I have had a ten day migraine and attempted to work through it. (For reference, bad idea. I do not recommend it in the slightest.) However, work is still annoyed that I have had to take any days off sick – despite being fully aware of my health compromises and previously accepting of accommodating it – and is now pushing me to the very bone. I have been given several additional shifts  I haven’t been asked to do (and one I have because a co-worker has received a serious burn injury), and no choice but to attend. For a woman in her twenties, my health is frail and I physically cannot cope with being worked so hard. But what can I do but try and accommodate it? It might make me sick again, but what can I do?

So where has writing fitted into all of this? In truth, it hasn’t at all. It’s not an issue where it comes to creativity. I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately, all of which could easily be plot bunny fuel, both for fanfiction and original works. I have also had absolutely no problem thinking up turns of phrase and putting words together in a legible state which makes sense and tells a story. The problem has solely come from actually getting it out of my mind and recorded somewhere, whether that be in a notepad or on my computer (or another electronic device.) Due to the ill health, work and a couple of other things, I’ve felt continually tired and drained, hence my severely reduced output.

But, this post is meant to end on a more optimistic note. Well, at least optimistic to me, anyway. After all, this is what I feel like I was born to do. I have stories to tell. I just need to find my audience.

Recently, I revisited one of my absolute favourite musicals: The Rocky Horror Show. Whilst I like the film version well enough, I always believe that the stage show is what really brings it alive. And yet again, it did. I had a fabulous time, a well-deserved break from the drudgery of real life and a couple of hours of escapism with something I like. Rocky Horror is many things to many peoples. It’s subversive, a pastiche of 1920s to 1960s B-movies, a representation of alternative lifestyles, an exploration of sexual fluidity, sheer escapism and so on. Despite how frivolous it can be, this time, it really got me thinking.

Actually, two things got me thinking. My frustration with work, and how I’m stuck doing menial labour despite having a degree from a top ten UK university and how all my dreams still feel so far out of reach. And that is exactly where the lyrics from Rocky Horror come into play. Especially so after they were used in the programme to reference how an out-of-work Richard ‘O Brien created the beloved rock-and-roll musical which is now celebrating its fortieth year.

Don’t dream it, be it.

If I want to be a full-time author who is recognised for her storytelling capabilities, then I need to do something about it. I need to stop hiding back in my comfort zone of fanfiction and actually write my original novel. Because, without a first draft, I’m never going to have a first, second, third, and eventually, final draft of my book. It doesn’t matter what state the first draft is in because very, very few people are going to see it. And by that, I mean two people and one of them is myself. Besides, there’s some utter dirge out there, some great stories badly in need of a good edit and even some books considered to be classics can be very rough around the edges. I know my first draft can at least be as good as some of those, and maybe, just maybe, even better.

I just need to stop with the excuses, ignore my near-constant exhaustion and write my damn book.

It’s that easy.

Right?

Credit for photograph: Here.

Pushing Boundaries.

As well as attracting multiple plot bunnies, I seem to attract real bunnies too. This is Nessarose, a black and white harlequin lionhead. I now have three rabbits in my ownership. She is three years old and a bit of a princess. I was given her yesterday by somebody I know who didn’t want her anymore and now it is my job to get her up to full health. Ordinarily, I own dwarf lops and that’s the breed of rabbit I have the most experience with by far. My other two girls are three year old blue dwarf lops and utterly charming.

I have never owned a lionhead before and there are certain aspects of their breed that provide different challenges to looking after dwarf lops. This is something that I will obviously have to learn in order to provide Nessarose with the best possible care. That is something which she not only deserves, but has the utter right to have.

This is related to writing, bear with me. It also provides me with the opportunity to share my darling new girl with you!

But the reason this is related to writing is this: I’m experienced as a writer. I know certain genres, I know certain characters, I know how to tell a story. But this doesn’t mean that I know how to do absolutely everything – who does? With rabbits, I know how to look after dwarf lops. A lot of that care is transferable to looking after my new ‘lil lionhead. But there’s new things to learn. There’s always new things to learn.

Trying a new genre is exactly the same thing. There’s a lot to do to work out how to write a new genre. Research, reading the genre, trial and error and finding out what works for you personally. Like with rabbits, everyone is different and will have their own interpretation of a genre. Every person and rabbit is different; Nessarose and I have to find out what works for us. Thus far, it seems to me, that climbing on my shoulder when carried is one of our ‘things’. Trying new things in writing (and rabbit ownership!) is half of the fun. You never know, you could find yourself fully converted to the new genre.

But with writing, even after all that, you can find that it just doesn’t work for you. But you’ve put the time and effort until trying and that’s the main thing. There’s always new genres out there to try out.

And this is where that analogy ends: Nessarose has her forever home now. I have had her for approximately 18 hours, but already I know that I wouldn’t give her up for anything.

Yeah, this blog post and analogy is also partially an excuse to show off Nessarose. But hey, sometimes you just have to!