On Robin Williams and Depression

TW: Suicide

NaNovember: Day 4: You Don’t Know What You’ve Got ‘Til It’s Gone

I didn’t post this blog post yesterday because I ended up growing so exhausted that I actually couldn’t focus on the screen in front of me. This is a common issue; my illnesses are exhausting, even one on its own would be. My constant fatigue is the subject of a ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg?’ dilemma. There are my different illnesses, the medications I am on, the stress of living below the poverty line, all feeding into me. Then it could just be another health issue in its own right. But, it is

Magnetic Resonance Imaging – Human brain side view (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

what it is. If I want to win NaNo and finish my novel, then it’s just something that I will have to deal with.

Yesterday was a very pensive day. I often get like that on days when I have various appointments. My MRI went fine – as far as I know. As I said on twitter: brain’s been scanned, it’s definitely still there. But, it had a weird soporific effect on me. In addition to that, I felt a little like I was falling unconscious – not sleeping, but like I was being sedated or put under for an operation. It was weird. Also, I have a tendency of making all the weird bleeps and noises sound like words. My favourite one, obviously, was the NaNoNaNoNaNoNaNoNaNoNaNo one. Yeah, I am more than a little bit weird.

What is hardest about those kind of days, however, is the fact that it makes me remember that I haven’t always been sick. There was a time when my life didn’t (literally) revolve around appointments and I didn’t have to take a plethora of medication every day. Medication that doesn’t even make me healthy, medication which makes sure I can just resemble a human being rather than being completely unable to leave my bed. My brother is disabled, he’s always been disabled. He doesn’t remember a time when he didn’t have his disabilities. It’s like, he hasn’t had his health stolen away from him. Not like I have. Remembering what it was like to be the ‘healthy one’ in the family is almost impossibly sad. Usually, I try not to dwell on it; it only makes the depression worse. Sometimes, however, you just can’t help it.

How does all this relate to NaNo? Well, the MRI provided a ‘nice’ interruption to my regularly scheduled mornings writing. It meant I got less done than usual. It also is a clear indication of just how much my health rules my life, rather than my writing. That’s sad, very sad. On a more positive note, though? Chapter Twelve is now done and dusted. Things are getting a little exciting in my imaginary world now. My protagonist is finally actually getting to meet her antagonist. It’s just a shame that I can’t do the same; my antagonist isn’t a living thing. It’s all health issues. But that is another story altogether. (Quite literally; I have 3 more series percolating in my head. Good times.)

Current Novel Total Word Count: 51,940
Today’s Word Count: 1,865
NaNoWriMo Total Word Count: 11,048

NaNovember: Day 1: One Small Step…

Today is the first day of my NaNoWriMo quest! And to be honest I’m feeling… lousy. That’s always a great way to feel isn’t it? In truth, this morning was absolutely fine. I managed to meet the ‘required’ average word count by midday, which is fantastic. I’ve kept writing since then, of course, but when it comes to my actual head, the wheels have fallen off a little bit. That age old familiar pounding is back at the sides of my head, my eyes fill like they might just explode with pressure and the nausea has hit me full force. But, I’ve been determined to make the first day a good, productive day. I really want to make sure I keep writing ‘ahead of schedule’ as such just in case I have a really bad day in the future. Like, Monday, when I have my MRI – and they often lead me to having funny old days.

I’ve at least managed to finish chapter ten now and I’ve made a start on chapter eleven. Although none of that has come from after 3.30pm. That was the time I went to the doctors. Before then I was beginning to feel sick, but now I’m just feeling even worse. It doesn’t help that I found out that my neurologist barely listened to a word I said during my appointment with him. But that’s not really important to this specific blog. It’s just additional frustration, really. However, this has confirmed one thing: I do need to ensure I capitalise on my mornings whilst doing NaNoWriMo – and writing as a whole, anyway. After all, this will hopefully be the first day of the rest of my life…

Current Novel Total Word Count: 43,769
Today’s Word Count: 2,877
NaNoWriMo Total Word Count: 2,877

Happy All Nano’s Eve!

So, it’s the day before NaNoWriMo. My head is doing its typical thumping-at-the-temples routine, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and another MRI scan on Monday. But, I’m still ridiculously excited about participating in NaNoWriMo. I’m hoping that it will mean I will finish my first draft of my novel next month. I’m hoping that means I will very soon be able to move onto the editing phase of writing a book. I’m hoping (and praying and wishing and crossing my fingers and toes) that The Project will be on bookshelves (and available on e-readers) within the next two years.

I’m hoping NaNoWriMo will change my life. After my rut, is that really too much to ask?

Naturally, I’ll be blogging my progress throughout the month.

Regardless, I will be spending today reading through my bullet-pointed plot. I will be honing the last few character biographies which are essential to this book. I will be doing housework, as per usual. And when kids (and teenagers who don’t even bother to dress up these days) knock on my door, trick-or-treating, I will happily wish them a very Happy All Nano’s Eve.

Then, tomorrow, the real writing will begin. I can’t wait. I really, really can’t.

How are you spending All NaNo’s Eve?

(Also, for those who really celebrate… Happy Hallowe’en, Happy All Hallow’s Eve, Blessed Samhain. But, personally, I’ll just be celebrating All Nano’s Eve.)

Current Novel Total Word Count: 40,892
Today’s Word Count: 0
NaNoWriMo Total Word Count: 0 – bring on tomorrow!